An open letter to my evolving self at Christmas time
Dear Michelle,
This is a hectic time in your brain. Your divorce settlement meeting is looming next week. Your patients are struggling as is typical around this time of year, with the holidays and the reduced daylight. Because of the extra things going on, you are out of your routine with exercise and eating. That routine has become really important because so many element in your life are new and unfamiliar. Pick up that routine when you can, but be patient when it’s not the thing for that day. Life will return to normal soon, with the monotony and security of the ordinary. Holidays help to mark the passage of time and they are supposed to feel different.
This is the first Christmas where R really understands all of the fun things that will be happening. He is already talking about Santa Claus and snow. This will be a perfect opportunity to reconnect with your own child-like wonder. So teach him about Christmas, but let him teach you about fun and curiosity. Allow yourself some excitement and some hope. Remember to dance and laugh and open your eyes wide to the present.
To do this, you are going to have to let some things be. You have been seeking intently for months for answers to some of life’s most difficult questions. This is a time to rest from that. Remember your mother’s words, “When I was in my 30s I thought I had to have it all figured out. Now that I’m in my 60s, I don’t believe that.” There is time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Seeking is important but so is rest. So let the difficult things be. Trust that you will know when it’s time to pick them up again.
Remember the things that you DO know. Like God is there. God is inside me and if I can get quite and still then I can find the knowing. I can connect with that part of myself. On the busy days, the thing that will allow you to continue to feel grounded and joyful is keeping that voice uncovered. The only activities that REALLY qualify as “self-care” are the ones that clear some of the crap that builds up over the part of yourself that knows. Focus on those things.
As you make decisions about how to spend your time, remember what a yes feels like. That it’s a yes with your whole self, every part of you wants to do it. If the response feels like less than that, then really consider whether, what you are asking of yourself, aligns with your intention. You’ve decided that your intention for December will be to let it all be, observe and be present and to feel love. Let that intention guide you through the fun things and the hard things.
You’ve got this!
Xoxo,
Michelle